Something has changed in me the past two years, I am a very different person, I am extremely sad, yet extremely happy. I see the world in a completely different light and it is beautiful. I love to watch the sky because it is amazing, I love to watch birds going about there business because they are amazing too, I love to smile at strangers when I recognise goodness in them and sometimes even when I don’t. Most of all I am learning to love myself, I don’t care what anyone says or thinks I know I am a beautiful soul, because I feel beautiful.
The past two years has seen many changes in me, the way I think, the way I eat, the way I exercise, the way I interact and appreciate people, and especially the way I view the world. I no longer overthink, I no longer think I am not good enough, I no longer rely on other people’s opinions, I form my own and trust in my instincts.
I haven’t yet found my purpose, but I am constantly craving knowledge, insight, appreciation and gratitude. Somehow, I feel more spiritual, no I haven’t found religion as I don’t believe in religion because it is man-made, my beliefs are spiritual. I have struggled being an oversensitive person all my life, but now it is no longer a struggle, I feel blessed because of my sensitivity, I see good in people and I like that I have that insight.
Is this an awakening? I feel that it is, it feels strange, yet good, scary yet courageous. I feel out of place in this world, yet I can comfort myself. I have not really discussed with anyone how I feel, but I have told a few close friends of my new found spirituality. There are two reasons why I have not expressed how I feel because; 1. I can’t find the right words to fully explain what I am going through and 2. the people around me would not understand because they are caught up in this false, fake, materialistic, all consuming world, no judgement at all upon them, I too was caught up in that world for almost 50 years.
I am struggling to do my menial office job, I have lost all interest and motivation for it because I don’t feel like I am bettering the world one tiny iota. I dream of doing something good, helping animals, changing people’s mindsets, but I don’t know where to start. There are lots of things in this world I would like to change, I am at the stage where I am running through them in my head, aware I can only do a very small amount of good but it doesn’t matter as long as I am doing good, helping animals, helping people it doesn’t matter.
The world we currently live in creates problems, that don’t have to exist, if only people were more spiritual, believed in themselves and were more compassionate. Depressives don’t know that you don’t have to be depressed, drug and alcohol abusers don’t know that they can change, people have more power than they think they have, if they learn and grow by doing practices that will give them spiritual growth. Practices such as gratitude, meditation, exercise, reading, learning, self-compassion, all of these practices will help you grow as a person, reduce or even eliminate addictions, anxiety, depression and anger. You don’t need any special talents or knowledge to do them as long as you do them you will learn as you go along.
My thirst for spiritual knowledge is unquenchable, I now realise I have always had an interest in spirituality, but have suppressed it most of my life. I don’t yet know what my life purpose is, but think I may be able to help others awaken, or at least help them realise that a spiritual path is a beautiful one, it can help with difficulties in your life, it can ground you and most of all see the beauty in everything and everyone, it makes life feel magical. So many people suffer because they struggle with emotions and don’t know how to fully accept that emotions are a normal human trait and essential to personal growth.
I have just ordered some tarot cards and a book to fully explain how to use tarot. I do have some oracle cards, but never really use them, because I don’t fully understand what I am doing. It’s funny because I remember about 20-25 years ago I actually had tarot cards and did use them, but I can’t find them, another sign of my suppressed interest for spirituality. Now I feel I am closer to the real me than ever before, finally I see the matrix for what is is.
My eyes have opened in the past two years, although I have a long way to go, I have come such a long way in a couple of years. I am so grateful for whatever it was that caused my awakening because I feel so much better than before and I wish everyone could experience it. There would be less fighting, wars and the potential for a peaceful earth would be high. I wish I could tell people how to awaken, but it is difficult because mine was my own very personal experience and one that I felt I had no control of (although I am not fully convinced of this).
My advice to anyone that would like to wake up is to gather knowledge, learn as much as you can and see if this triggers an awakening for you. I truly hope it does, because although strange, scary and lonely at times, it is the most wonderful feeling, I feel full of love, for myself, for the planet and for all life! I am appreciating my body and how it keeps me healthy and alive, hence my regular gym visits, I want to pay it back and take better care of it, this is another sign that I have changed, as someone who never liked exercising, believing it was too hard, I am actually now enjoying, because I know I am now honouring my body and health.
This awakening has impacted me in a number of ways, the changes in me in the past two years is pretty staggering, these are some of the physical, mental and spiritual changes that have happened to me so far; veganism, health conscious, improved mental health, resilience, healthy eating, meditations, gratitude, thirst for spiritual knowledge, love of animals (again suppressed in the past), love of life and appreciation of the different journeys people are on.
Reflecting back, I thing the first sign of change in me was the strong feeling of a need to declutter my stuff and my life. My life at this present time is pretty hectic, I feel like I have no time, I am very busy, I try to volunteer at Shetland Rescue animal sanctuary at least once a month. My views have changed of people and of animals, I now see how beautiful people are, I am more accepting of a person’s faults because they are human and imperfect, like me. I do sometimes feel overwhelmed, I have a complete disinterest in superficial things such as celebrity news, reality TV shows, I value my time like never before, and I now read daily.
Other changes in me are getting up earlier, most days I feel an excitement for the day ahead, I am not as self conscious or fashion conscious as I used to be, as some one who used to spend most of my spare income on clothes, I am now spending less, sending back things I don’t love. I have had strong desires to simplify my life, including my wardrobe, wearing plainer clothes, a ‘less is more’ approach. I sometimes feel sad for those that are caught up in this consumer world. I am trusting my intuition more, doing what feels right and not what everyone else is doing. I am walking a lot more and my fear of this world is diminishing.
I sometimes get frustrated, seeing the toxic situations people are in and getting frustrated they can’t see it and that they are harming themselves, but trying my best to let them be because they are on their own journey and will hopefully wake up, because I went through exactly the same toxic situations in the past. I feel excited and at times chaotic in the sense I feel like I have little time left to achieve what I want, but at the same time I am learning to trust the universe, knowing I am progressing and have come so far, yet still have so far to go.
When these changes within me started, I initially felt very disconnected from people, but once I accepted they are on their own journey, different from mine, I have started to reconnect with them again, which has improved my relationships. I have realised the consequences of my actions on people, the planet and animals and am trying to do the right thing not only for me but for everyone and everything. I have realised my love of animals, I now believe in myself, as a life long non-swimmer I learned to swim a couple of days ago, it was only self-doubt that stopped me from learning in the past.
I no longer waste time on watching superficial You Tubers, I have switched to watching those that genuinely want to help people, mostly awakened You Tubers. I have acknowledged my own flaws and have a desire to fix these. I no longer accept people in my life that don’t treat me right or try to manipulate me to fit in with what they want, not what I want, for example going along with a ‘friends with benefits’ relationship when I want a real relationship. Just because you like a person and hope the situation will change, it usually won’t because you have accepted less than what you want, one lesson is never compromise your self and what you want, don’t do anything that doesn’t intuitively feel right, and definitely don’t waste your time or money doing things other people want but you don’t.
I am currently looking at doing a healing course, probably Reiki just because I am drawn to it. I know this post is all over the place and a bit chaotic, this is how my mind is at the moment, it’s thinking faster than I can move, I will continue to meditate to slow it down.
If there is one thing I could teach people, it would be how to awaken, unfortunately I don’t have the knowledge or skills to help people, but I do hope that you reading this post may get you thinking enough to explore and be drawn to your own awakening!