One of the many many things I am trying to address in my life is my inability to express my feelings.
I have always struggled with expressing my feelings, but I thought it is time I explored this and tried to address it. It’s not just the case of verbally expressing my feelings, I find it hard to show with physical touch, I hate kissing, I think it’s weird, that probably makes me weird, I kiss because men want to kiss, but it makes me cringe, this feeling has increased since the start of my spiritual awakening a few years ago.
Don’t get me wrong I do like some affection from a man I’m in love with, but not over affection. I would rather have a meaningful embrace every now and then when the moment is just right, than every day hugs. I know everyone is different, but to me if I meet a man and he is over affectionate, it puts me right off, it doesn’t feel genuine or real. If he doesn’t really know me, how can he want to show me so much affection? I am aware a lot of men do this because they think it’s what the woman wants and well let’s face it they think it’s the best and quickest route to having sex.
I would rather a man wanted to be affectionate with me because he feels real affection towards me, not because he has a need for sex or craves affection himself. I don’t even know if this makes sense to anyone. I’ve only ever come across one man who felt the same as me, unfortunately, he never showed any affection, except once, we were in bed and he wrapped his legs around mine, it was the nicest feeling in the world because I knew at that moment he felt close to me. At that moment, I knew that his strange show of affection actually meant something, I felt truly loved.
Am I damaged? maybe! I don’t know if it’s an age thing or because of my spiritual awakening, because since I started to awaken, a lot of normal everyday behaviours now feel extremely strange, almost alien to me. I just realise in the past I have accepted affection because I thought that’s what I was suppose to do, but I don’t want it unless it’s 100% genuine, instinctive and in the moment. There have been times when I have wanted affection but have been unable to ask for it or show it, I just don’t seem able to express myself that way. I am an introvert and quite shy, but I am not sure if this is the cause, because I am less introvert and shy with a 1 to 1, especially when I feel comfortable with a person.
In fact the only time I have ever shown real love and affection was to my dog. Maybe, because it was safe, safe to tell him I loved him because I know he loved me unconditionally, if only I could find that in a man.
Because of the way I am, I know I come across as cold, and I’m really not, I feel deeply. I know I have lost men because I become so emotionally withdrawn, especially when I get real feelings for them, this is a major problem in my life and one I know I need to overcome, if I want to be happy.
Having thought about this and reflecting back on past relationships, I have come up with the following possibilities for why I am like this, more than one definitely applies to me:
- I don’t feel secure in the relationship
- I don’t feel worthy – low self-esteem
- It scares me – I will be giving my power away
- My Introversion (think too much inwardly instead of verbalising)
- Words don’t mean much, by this I mean I believe if someone loves you, you can feel it, if they tell you they love you but you don’t feel it (via their actions) then its not real
- Baggage from previous relationship – whilst I have always struggled to express myself to a man, since my last relationship I seem completely blocked from doing so
- I don’t want to appear insincere or say it too soon – for me real love takes years not weeks or months, although I accept this can happen, just not for me
- Fear of commitment
- Fear of being hurt
- I’m too old for this shit, the games people play, I acknowledge I have played them too in the past
- Doubts – What if it’s not real? what if I just want to be ‘in love’ and it’s not about the other person?
- Conditioning – during my upbringing, my family never showed affection towards each other, we sometimes hug awkwardly on birthdays etc. We have never said ‘I love you’ to each other, even though we do.
As mentioned in one of the points above, words don’t mean much to me, unless they are supported by actions, the adage ‘Actions Speak Louder’ for me is so true. This is key for me, when I am with a man, if his words don’t match his actions then I know he is not genuine or something is ‘off’, not that he is intentionally deceiving me, but it is not real.
The funny thing is, I have been reading up on ‘love languages’ how there are 7 different love languages and the key is to find what your persons love language is. I actually think mine is verbal, so it’s very weird how I can’t use that on others. I like it, not when a man says he loves me but when he says it in other ways, gives me genuine compliments about my personality without an an agenda and makes me feel good about myself (although you don’t need a man to feel good about yourself, you can do it).
Overcoming my fears in this area is going to be a huge challenge for me, it may take a lifetime. I guess I will start where I often start, good old ‘Google’!